I Fear the Night

image

I fear the night
This darken room
A barren chest barricading
A fossilized heart 
Mirrored in display

Sitting in this darken bedroom
My temperamental mind formulating 
Mathematical equations 
Seeking scientific hypothesis 
Intertwined with philosophical notions that the last thought on your mind is the echoed silence of my name

Burnt out cigarettes and empty liquor bottles
My sub conscience fighting to see clarity
Aimlessly walking around
Starring into shattered mirrors
Phone in hand
Contemplation creating battlefields of unspoken words in my head

Tear drenched pillow cases
Blank TV screens playing monotoned reruns 
Headboard designed like Gothic tomb stones as
This bed becomes a graveyard for this broken heart
Housing aged decayed bones between its sheets

I fear the night
This darken room
A barren chest barricading
A fossilized heart 
Mirrored in display

✺✸Killamenjarra✸✺

Mirrored Silence

Mirrored silence
Barren message box
Rereading an old conversation 
Tainted with memories of departure

Rolling blunts
Whisky in my veins 
Playing Gods and Monsters
As I assassinate my brain cells

Eyes closed
Clouded, confused thoughts
Walking around aimlessly in the dark
As tulips begin to wither and freeze

Mirrored silence
Shattered hearts, tearless sheets, as
Nightstands become grave yards for photographs in corners collecting dust…

✺✸Killamenjarra✸✺

Once I had Loved You…

image

I loved you with fire
watched pieces of myself
burn away into nothingness
fiercely clinging to idealistic
notions that love burned
with undying passion
I loved you as fire consumed me

I was broken and yet I was
shattered objects reforming
molding, creating new shapes
with old scars finally healing, but…
Once I had loved you
I loved you beyond reason, even when it broke me beyond recognition

Once I had loved you
miles placed between bodies
time escaping embraces of lovers
absence thus creating a void
erosion of a naked hearts
silent tears a soul bares in slumber
Once… no, I still love you with fire

Revolt

Long has it been that we have sat within the shadows
Watched the infestation of malice fester within our weaken bones
Continuously being led into mental darkness
And ridiculed into this abysmal silence by our “Monarchs”

We have endured the bloodshed of the masses
Abiding by daily to our disguised and unjust enslavement
Blindly tolerating the cruelty of our corrupt “Sovereigns”
As we watch the demolishment of our “Voice”

Emerge from obscurity
 

Open Mic…

20120820-200555.jpg

This poem I’m going to share was beautifully written by my boyfriend, Giovanni. I wanted to share it because in so many ways reflects how I feel at times. I hope you all enjoy.

There’s distance between a place
That’s real and unreal
Up, up Floating somewhere
I don’t know where it is
But can only imagine
There’s this recurring dream
I’m on a Podium stand and there’s millions
Eyes and eyes gazing
Mouths watering for my next sentence
But yet I’m up, up floating somewhere
Am I wrong or are these people
This place is on an outer, an inner
Element so far beyond the eyes can see
So look at me from a distance

~Giovanni M.

Desire to Forget

I can sit here in the dark and convince myself that I hate you. Come up with millions of reasons to walk away and just forget about your existence. I can sit here and pretend that our silence doesn’t bother me, doesn’t hurt me. I can pretend to be cold an indifferent whenever you decide to acknowledge my existence.

Sometimes I wish life had an undue button, cause I wish I had never met you…

20120705-040404.jpg

Midnight Escape

For one second the earth is motionless

All the noise circulating me begins to dissipate

Within these few moments everything

That surrounds me becomes a colorful blur

The smell of lilac perfumes the air

As my cheeks are illuminated by

The twinkle glow of a moonlit night

Feeling the warm rain caressing my limbs

As I move through the earth with steady pace

Inspiration igniting within my weaken soul

As the cool night breeze awaken my senses

My feet dancing in a forward motion

To the steady drum like pulse of my heart

Serenity washing over me

As my obtrusive thoughts lulls

Into a soft melancholy tune

It seems I have been running

For what seems to be an eternity

Time seeming to stand still

As I materialize in this bewitching canvas

Of the darken road before me

All is silent…

Until there is a clearing in the path

Bringing me back to reality

 

Smile; Silence

Feels empty in here. Slowly suffocating as the emptiness becomes more dense. It’s weighing on my chest like heavy weights. A dent begins to form, as small cracks are appearing at the sides. Liquid begins to produce behind my lids, falling continuously, almost as if they’ll never stop forming, never stop falling down the side of my face. Hands are getting colder, to the point I no longer feel them. Legs go numb along with every other part of my body. My mind keeps racing, over-thinking, over-analyzing every thought. My chest, I can’t breathe! My heart feels like it’s being slowly ripped apart. With every minute that passes the pain gets worse and the dent bigger. I can’t feel anything but the pain in my chest, my vision is obscured by all this liquid, or rather by all the tears. The dense weight upon my chest has now created a vast hole. The pain is gone, and what’s left is a bitter numbness that takes over every inch of my body. I can’t move, can’t see my surrounding, and I can barely breathe. The only sound I hear is the painful cry of something that seems to being dying, that just gave up! I think the sounds is coming from my lips, produced by the emptiness of my core.

The days are longer, almost never ending. Every sunset brings comfort for another day of torment has past. Every sunrise only reminds me of yet another day to face the fire, to face the numbness, to face the dread of loss. Comfort is not found under these sheets that used to bring me security. Friendship brings no cure, when the source of pain has been produce by it. Words begin to have no use, cannot measure the depth of this now abysmal hole that keeps growing inside my chest. I cannot turn to reason, it brings no knowledge, does not benefit me with wisdom to overcome the emptiness. Not even this familiar blade can soothe the ache, nor can it bring a small ounce of escape from the hollowness of my soul.

I put on a smile as easily as putting on a shirt. Suffer alone and in silence. Nobody hears this pain chilling cries that overtake me at night. Not a soul can hear the cracking, the shattering of everything that inspire hope within my now empty chest. No one can see the tears streaming down my face as I sit here thinking of what to do next. I simply hide behind my smile, a laugh, and a joke as I’m crumbling further into oblivion. I suffer alone, I cry alone in order to not show how much hurt has build inside me… Not a soul is aware of the pain formulating inside, none can see, none can tell. I simply smile and go on as if everything is okay, even when I’m not. Maybe it’s my fault I’m now in this hole, but perhaps its better to suffer in silence then make a display. At least no one else will suffer along side with me…

Blazed

Inflamed, seething with building hate

Igniting a ferocious passion to eradicate existence

Demented demons scorched beneath the layers of eroded skin

Concocting psychotic hallucination of cauterized faces as

Russet currents emerge through the obstruction of this tainted crust

Relinquishing the falsification of my distorted persona 

As I conclusively begin to vindicate my antagonistic view of me

“I think, therefore I am”??

Contemplating whether an opinion I had was ridiculous, I decided to simply share it. Perhaps through my journal entry, you can get a sense of what exactly goes on in my head. Or possibly even raise question of your own and try to find some sort of explanation that fits best. But even so, I find life to be a big question we spend our whole lives trying to answer.

If existence is based on the idea I exist because I think, then how can I not exist through the doubts of my own existence? Isn’t doubting my own existence a form of thinking, which proves I truly do exist? Is there a moment I can exist without a solitary thought passing through my mind? Can I exist even through short intervals of random space without thinking? Or is the idea of existing is solely based upon the idea that the only way we can exist is if we are constantly formulating ideas/thoughts in our minds? What happens after we die? If death is a form of eternal sleep, do we dream? And if we do dream, is dreaming a form of thinking and proving we do exist after death? I often wonder how do I know for sure I exist. How can I be certain I’m not living within a dream state of mind? Could it be I’m already dead and that this life I lead is a simple dream my mind has created in order to continue to exist? But if that line of thinking is true, then why bother to try and strive for meaning or gain purpose in my “life” if I’m already dead? Would it even matter if I live my life by a moral code? Why is life such a mystery? So many questions are raised, yet the answers are never found. Although we search high and low for answers, turn to religion, and praise philosophy, look to science, and search within ourselves for enlightenment, it seems we could never find the answers to the most important question we formulate within our minds: Why do we exist?


 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,196 other followers